I think money is tight for a lot of people right now. With Matt's job and all of our bills, we are in the hole...without groceries or gas or diapers or needing a new fall/winter wardrobe for the little guy. To be honest, I am not sure how we have made it thus far, but I do know that we pay an honest tithe and turn the rest over to the Lord for his blessing and safe keeping. I worry constantly about it, even though I know I shouldn't.
Infertility. I guess when your child turns 2 you should just automatically be pregnant with another one, but it hasn't worked out that way for us. We struggled more than 5 years to get our precious miracle, Steven. I really hope I don't have to wait 5 more years! I am 30....my eggs are getting old!! I think Steven needs a brother (although I am not sure how the whole sharing Mama thing will work!!) Because people ask, here ya go...my OB/GYN is not in network with our insurance. What that means is they will pay 0% of a visit or treatments or anything! I looked so long and hard for her and when through so many OB/GYNs who just said, "You are too fat to have kids. Get some weight off and you will get pregnant just like that." You have NO idea how much I cried and cried about these comments. My OB gave me hope and helped me get my little boy here. I thought, "Well, I guess I will find someone new in 2013. Work really hard to lose the weight I can." We'll see....right now, I have no plans. Just becuase everyone asks (random people at the supermarket asking if he is going to have a brother or sister) we have not prevented having children for a very long time. We are "trying" by plotting my body. There ya go....
Relationships. I am always working on being more patient, more kind, more sincere with my family. I try very, very hard. I never had an ounce of anger until I got married. I didn't know what anger was. And then a bomb exploded inside me. My poor husband. It is amazing the things that are genetic, but I sure try!!
I have struggled with depression since I was about 13. I have been on and off medication since then. (the only reason I go off is for financial reasons. I really NEED to be on it. No, I am not addicted, but I know my body, my brain. I know how the meds work, and work with me). I am struggling very hard with this, even though I KNOW I have every single blessing in the world I could want. Thank goodness for that sweet little 2 year old who forces me out of bed every single morning. Man, I love that boy so much!!
So, I think that is enough real for now....
I am not sure if I feel better writing it or not, but I feel I am lying to myself, my future posterity, if I don't write a bit about my struggles. I could feel volumes, but I think that is enough. :)
5 comments:
Bah! I'm so frustrated FOR you. You're breaking my heart. I wish I could *poof* and make it all better for you. I can, however, pray for you. I hope and pray that you find a kind and understanding OB and more importantly, that The Lord might get working on His end to get Steven a little brother or sister soon. Until then, feel His comfort and love. Know that you are in His watchful care.
You have inspired me to be more 'real' too. I need to do the same type of come clean post. It is hard to open up. You are a wonderful person and a great friend. You have always been a support to me and especially in the last few weeks, I am glad to have you to talk to. You have helped me get through some very difficult moments. I love you tons!!
Real is always good. I think you are truly amazing at your ability to handle things that are thrown at you. I pray for you all the time. Just know that, in all your struggles, you are never alone. Besides the Savior, you have countless friends who are willing to stand beside you, give you a shoulder to cry on and just generally be there! Love you lots!
That is incredibly frustrating!!! Especially when you have had success with such a 1st step treatment to get Steven and you know that there's a good chance that it would work again, but are held back because of a stupid insurance!!! Cory and I keep saying it-Health Care reform is NOT what we need in this country, it's health INSURANCE reform that we need!!! We already have the best care-it's just that no one can afford it, or they won't approve WHAT you need or WHO you need. Gah! I have a 6 year gap between my two, and let me tell you it has been SO helpful for Samantha to be older when her sister was born. I had not planned on her being SIX years older, but still, if I had to wait for #2, I'm glad that #1 could entertain herself while I was sick and tired and sleeping on the couch half the day of my first trimester. I sure hope you can find a solution-a way to get insurance that would cover your OB, a miracle of natural conception, ANYTHING! And I hope we can see you soon, too!
Cute baby.. :)
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