This is my favorite time of year! I love to watch the leaves outside change into brilliant yellows, vibrant reds, and charismatic oranges. Now that most of the colors are gone, Doogie and I love to crunch through what is left of the faded browns and muted yellows on our morning walks. We wake up early when most of the world is still asleep (or we wait long enough until the world is at work) and we walk. I am not sure what he is thinking. I can guess it is "I like the smell of this tree. Need to mark this spot. I wonder if I will get anything different for breakfast this morning." But this has really been an ideal opportunity for me to attempt to organize some thoughts that have been scrolling through my head for quite sometime.
I am not searching for sympathy, just some peace of mind really. I feel like a total schizophrenic inside my own mind: There is a struggle, a battle, a war raging inside of me. I am not sure at this point in the battle who will prevail. There is a huge part of me that wants to be a good, Latter-day Saint woman. I want to read my scriptures, go to the Temple, pray unto God knowing He cares about me specifically. I want to KNOW, not just believe, that He truly has a plan for me and the reason I am struggling now is for a greater purpose. That I will look back in a few years and see why I had to go through this awful, horrible, painful battle of infertility. And then there is the evil me: The part of me that is so angry, so bitter, so upset, so hurt that I just want to stay that way because at least I know I am feeling something, anything! This seems like such an irrational battle because I KNOW all of the Sunday School answers. I KNOW that what I teach my beautiful little Sunbeams about every week is NOT a lie! I know that I feel the way I do because I have shut myself off. I know He is standing at the door knocking and all I need do is open it. I KNOW all of those things. I get it. I just don't know how.
I have been doing a lot of reading of conference talks from people who have a personal relationship with Heavenly Father. And I have felt some comfort from that. But one that really hit home was a conversation I had with a wonderful woman in my ward on Sunday. She is in the process of adopting through LDSFS and had to do an all day training last week. In one of the sessions, the speaker posed the question, "As adults, are we entitled to children?" She said they were all questioning this. And the answer came back that No. Just because we are adults, and we may even be righteous adults, we are not entitled to children. The only entitlement comes from the children: Children are entitled to parents who love them. So, just another thing I have been pondering on this week.
What I don't want you to get from this crazy post is I am going insane. I have a testimony and I know certain things to be true. I think we all struggle. Some struggle because they have so many kids they don't know what to do. I am not discounting that at all. I think this was more of a way for me just to vent some feelings.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Infant Massage Weekend!
This past weekend was one of the most influential, amazing, terrific weekends of my life! It was the International Association of Infant Massage General Assembly. Basically what that means is people who teach infant massage (also known as parent/baby classes, trainers and anyone else who was interested, gathered together from around the globe (literally!!) to be taught, renew and start friendships, and join together for the purpose of sending the message of positive touch to every baby born! I didn't realize at first what a huge organization this is; There are chapters in 50 countries including Israel, Mexico, Australia, Sweden, Norway, Spain, Spain, and many many more.
I arrived at the Omni Hotel in Longmont around 4:30pm. I called my friend Laura to find out where she was. When she called me back she asked me to join her in one of the rooms. When I reached the room, I was greeted by Laura and there was another woman in the room, but she had her back to me. She did not look familiar to me right off the bat, but as I made my way around, I made eye contact with the beautiful woman. Laura said, "I would like you to meet my friend Vimala McClure." I became speechless. I wasn't quite sure how to react. I guess I should explain who Vimala McClure is: She is the infant massage guru!! She is the one who really discovered infant massage, brought it to the USA, published a book, formed the organization, and IS infant massage! I hugged her and I kissed her cheek and I could not stop touching and looking at her. I cannot explain to you what a blessed, treasured moment this was. I sat at her feet as she told a story, I watched her smile, and even eat chocolate icecream. This will definatly go down as one of the top moments of my life!
I wish I could describe to you the weekend! I get pretty speechless trying to write my feelings, my excitment, and my vision for infant massage. I learned so many things that will make me a more valuable teacher, wife, and someday mother. I am a better person because of the people I met and the spirit I felt all weekend. Saturday night was a banquet specifically honoring Vimala and Audrey Downs. (Audrey became instrumental to Vimala in organizing the whole international association). Without the two of them, there would be no association!
This is Laura and my new friend from California, Michael. (who happens to be the only male trainer in a sea of women...what a lucky guy!)
Vimala and Audrey at the banquet in their honor:
So, where do I go from here? I plan on taking the infant massage training in March. From there I have to do a certification process and I can teach parents who to massage their babies. I have a vision of what I want to have happen, but I am still trying to process and sort things out into words. It was life changing for me!
I arrived at the Omni Hotel in Longmont around 4:30pm. I called my friend Laura to find out where she was. When she called me back she asked me to join her in one of the rooms. When I reached the room, I was greeted by Laura and there was another woman in the room, but she had her back to me. She did not look familiar to me right off the bat, but as I made my way around, I made eye contact with the beautiful woman. Laura said, "I would like you to meet my friend Vimala McClure." I became speechless. I wasn't quite sure how to react. I guess I should explain who Vimala McClure is: She is the infant massage guru!! She is the one who really discovered infant massage, brought it to the USA, published a book, formed the organization, and IS infant massage! I hugged her and I kissed her cheek and I could not stop touching and looking at her. I cannot explain to you what a blessed, treasured moment this was. I sat at her feet as she told a story, I watched her smile, and even eat chocolate icecream. This will definatly go down as one of the top moments of my life!
I wish I could describe to you the weekend! I get pretty speechless trying to write my feelings, my excitment, and my vision for infant massage. I learned so many things that will make me a more valuable teacher, wife, and someday mother. I am a better person because of the people I met and the spirit I felt all weekend. Saturday night was a banquet specifically honoring Vimala and Audrey Downs. (Audrey became instrumental to Vimala in organizing the whole international association). Without the two of them, there would be no association!
This is Laura and my new friend from California, Michael. (who happens to be the only male trainer in a sea of women...what a lucky guy!)
Vimala and Audrey at the banquet in their honor:
So, where do I go from here? I plan on taking the infant massage training in March. From there I have to do a certification process and I can teach parents who to massage their babies. I have a vision of what I want to have happen, but I am still trying to process and sort things out into words. It was life changing for me!
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