Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas!

This is such a special time of year in which we celebrate the birth of Our Savior, Jesus Christ. How grateful I am to Heavenly Father for sending His son be born in such humble circumstances of a virgin and a man who would raise him as his own. Jesus came into the world on a sacred, silent night in a manger. I often ponder about Mary and what she was feeling, what she went through. There were no doctors, nothing hygienic about the situation. Surrounded by animals and with her sweet husband Joseph, Mary gave birth to our Savior, our Redeemer Jesus Christ. How grateful I am to Mary and Joseph for trusting Heavenly Father's plan for them, and for this little tiny babe, who would grow up to be something more than I am sure they could even fathom.

Last night we had part of our Christmas celebration early because my nieces and their parents are flying over to spend Christmas with her family. Part of our Christmas tradition is for all of the returned Missionaries to share their testimonies in the language they spoke. Every single one of them said something about the fact that without the Atonement, the birth of Jesus Christ would have been just another baby born into the world. There is so much I need to learn and understand about the Atonement of Jesus Christ, but I know that He lived and died for me. I know that I am a child of God and He loves me. There are times I question things, but I know it is true.

I am so grateful for my testimony of Jesus Christ and the love He brings to me. I know I am the person I am today by and large because of the Atonement and His infinite love and grace. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas! I am so grateful to have such amazing, wonderful friends who care so deeply and purely! May your Christmas be filled with love, laughter and the spirit of our Savior!

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Mall Santa

Your thoughts, your prayers, your has all been so greatly appreciated! I can't even begin to tell you what it all means to me. Everytime I write a post where I think, "This is stupid. Why would anyone want to read my whining and complaining about my infertility?" you all write such beautiful things. Thank you.

I have been following the blogs of several women, many whom are LDS, struggling with infertility. I realize that I am only at the beginning of my journey. I cannot even comprehend what they have been through. IUIs, IVFs, medications, acupuncture, supplements, the list goes on and on. Many are terms I have never even heard of. So I am making a commitment to myself, to my husband, to my future children (wherever they are) that I will be healthier, I will do everything I can to get them here. I will visit the OB/GYN again in January to continue fertility testing. (We had to stop after getting pregnant and then miscarrying in September).

Everyday is hard for a woman dealing with infertility, but holidays are particularly difficult! I was in the mall Saturday with my Mother and Sister-in-law and there was a mall Santa. I looked at him with the little children and my heart ached. I saw a woman with triplets, one with twins, another with six children at her side....I am so happy for them all, please don't get me wrong. I wanted to march myself right up to the bearded man in red and tell him that I wanted a baby for Christmas; one that cries, spits up, poops, never sleeps, I would take it all! But there is someone greater than Santa Claus, and that is Heavenly Father. I HAVE to believe that He has a plan greater!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Late night thoughts and ramblings

I have contemplated many times about starting a blog just about my infertility struggles, and it is definitely something I am still pondering. My dear friend said I should just add it to this blog because people want to know what is going on, but I always feel like I am whining and venting.

I feel so compelled to write tonight, despite the fact that I am tired and I have a 14 hour day tomorrow. I'm not really sure what I am supposed to say, just that I need to express some things that have been on my mind as of late.

Please, my dear friends, do not be scared to share with me about your joys, your successes in getting pregnant and the amazing things your children do. I am the happiest, proudest aunt in the entire world and those two little girls make my life worth living everyday! I love hearing of your excitement and everything happening in your lives. Is it hard? You bet! But the thought of being left out, or the thought you worrying about offending me hurts me the most. Please, continue to share and let me rejoice with you!

My heart aches. I try to stay happy and upbeat, and I feel like maybe this post is happening because I haven't had a really good cry for a couple of weeks. Perhaps this is the catalyst for it to happen. There really isn't a handbook on feelings and what we are supposed to feel during different struggles in our lives. So I would encourage everyone, despite whatever you are going through, to just let it come. Don't hold back.

I know this is completely random, just things that have been on my mind as of late, but I would like to share a bit of a quote from a fellow LDS blogger also dealing with infertility issues.
"The next time any of us sees a sister in crisis, I hope we will shut our mouths and open our arms. Share your opinion if need be, but cushion it with love and compassion. A hand to hold is worth a thousand pieces of advice. "

Sending my love! Thank you for opening your arms!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A video that will make you Drool

I was listening to Josh Groban at my desk yesterday while grading papers. A student came by and we both drooled for a minute. Then she told me of a You Tube video that had Josh Groban and Michael Buble in it, two of my favorite artists!! I wanted to share it all with you. (Thanks Kym for showing me how. I don't know where I would be without your computer expertise!! Love ya)
ps. remember to pause the pretty Christmas music on the side. I always forget that part. :)

Christmas Tag

Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends.
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I am usually a bag girl, but during Christmas, it is all about the paper!
2. Real tree or Artificial? I love the smell of a real tree, but growing up, we always had an artificial tree. A couple years ago Matt and I had a real tree and it was SOO much work. For now, we will settle for our stubby little tree. :)
3. When do you put up the tree? The day after Thanksgiving. It has been that way since I was a little girl.
4. When do you take the tree down? Around January 2
5. Do you like eggnog? Yes - I never liked it until this year. I had a drink of Matt's mixed with 1/2 milk and it was pretty good.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? I remember my Grandma Jensen got me a porcelain doll every year. When she passed away, my Grandma Willey carried on the tradition.
7. Do you have a nativity scene? A few of them. I decided I wanted to collect Nativity scenes, so we are going to be looking for some unique ones over the next few years.
8. Hardest person to buy for? Matt's family
9. Easiest person to buy for? Matt...I love spending money on him!
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I'm with Kym on this one. I LOVE decorating my door with cards and then I keep them. The following year, I read them as I put up my Christmas stuff.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I can't think of one.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? I love the classics like Rudolph, White Christmas
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? When I get a chance. I always say I am going to be done by June, but don't usually start until the day after Thanksgiving.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I don't think Christmas gifts, but definitely wedding gifts.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Anything sweet. I get a bug to bake around October and in December, I just want to bake all the time. I remember very vividly my Dad's fudge and nut horns. I asked him for his fudge recipe this year and he said it was the one off the back of the Marshmallow can!
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree ? I love the clear lights because our ornaments have so much color.
17. Favorite Christmas song? I love "Mary Let me Hold her Baby" from the Forgotten Carols. It speaks so strongly to me. "Those like me who can't have children, still can be mothers. Something in His eyes convinced me, I could serve so many others."
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Growing up, we were always at home. Since being married, Matt and I have traveled to either parents'. The in-laws still have 3 teenagers and one little one at home and then we have 2 nieces, and watching the little ones' eyes light up is my favorite part of Christmas!
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen and Rudolph. And how could I forget the 10th reindeer, Olive. (Olive, the other reindeer...)
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Our first Christmas, we hunted everywhere for a tree topper. We found an angel that we loved and she sits atop every year now.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Always Christmas Morning
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? I agree with Kym about the music: I refuse to listen to Christmas music until the day after Thanksgiving. From there, it is full blast! I also hate that I have so much to do with different parties, events to attend, finals at school, that I don't get to sit and enjoy and think about the season as much as I would really like.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I always thought I wanted a really fancy, beautifully decorated tree. In fact, our first year together, we went out and purchased fancy bulbs and such because I had it in my head what I wanted the tree to look like. Toward Christmas, Matt's mom gave us as box of ornaments from Matt's childhood. They get a new ornament every year, sometimes depending on what happened that year. Now, we don't even put bulbs on, just Matt's ornaments and ones I/We have gotten/boughts since being married. It is sooo fun to pull them out every year and see this big, strong man gently place his beloved ornaments on the branches.
24. Favorite food Christmas dinner? In my family growing up, we always had nachos Christmas eve and then our big dinner Christmas day. Matt's family has dinner on the Eve. I just really love food.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? A pink I-pod with pink speakers
26. Favorite Christmas tradition? As stated above, we would eat nachos and watch movies Christmas Eve and then look at Christmas lights around town. I love Matt's family traditions of acting out the Nativity (always the 3 wise guys!!), Dad reading from the Bible, and singing Silent Night in German. Matt and I have talked about someday incorporating some of our traditions growing up and making our own, like pajamas on Christmas Eve, buying a new book every year.
27. Tag 5 people - Let's just say, if you have a blog and you are reading this - you have been tagged!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Twilight Tag

Twilight Tag

Who Introduced you to the Books? Heather (thank you girl!!)

What Character would you most compare yourself to? This is a tough one. Probably Bella because everyone sees her as absolutely stunning and amazing, except herself.

What Character would others say you are? Maybe Alice because she seems so happy and optimistic

Team Edward or Team Jacob? As much as I love and admire Jacob's heart and his never giving up on Bella, I am absolutely, positively a hopeless romantic so I am totally Team Edward

Fav. Car mentioned in the book? I agree with Melinda on this one, I love Bella's truck. It has so much personality. :)

How many times have you read Twilight? Twice, but I plan on getting through all 4 again during Christmas breadk.

If you could have one of the powers the Cullens have what would it be and why? I love that Jasper can control a situation, or the emotions of people around him.

What is your Fav. part in Twilight?
When Bella realizes what Edward is.

Fav Quotes from Twilight:
About three things I was absolutely positive: First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn't know how dominant that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

I wasn’t interesting. And he was. Interesting… and brilliant… and mysterious… and perfect… and beautiful… and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand.

What if I’m not a superhero? What if I’m the bad guy?
Edward Cullen

I didn’t know if there ever was a choice, really. I was already in too deep. Now that I knew — if I knew — I could do nothing about my frightening secret. Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now.

I hear voices in my mind and you’re worried that you’re the freak.

Fav Cullen Sibling?- Alice for sure.

Phoenix or Forks? Most definatly, without a doubt, Forks. I DON'T do heat!

If you were Bella and you can't have Edward what other male from the book would you pick and why? Jacob because he seems so pure and innocent

Would you rather be a Vampire or Werewolf? A vampire...they are made out to be absoultely beautiful! I don't consider to be a narcassist or anything, but to look beautiful everyday would be wonderful!

If you had pick one song that would be perfect for Bella and Edward what would it be?
I have no idea. I found this song on You Tube with a video from Twilight but I don't know the artist or what the song is called, but it talked about loving monsters and it wrong, but oh so right.

I tag: Anyone who is as crazed about Twilight as I am!

PS the link to the quotes is here:

Thanksgiving Fun

I realize I haven't posted much. My work schedule this quarter is crazy, but there is an end in sight! Three weeks left in the quarter and we have been promised we will be fully staffed in January. I won't know what to do without a 50 hour work week! We had a wonderful Thanksgiving! We went to Matt's parents home in Parker, Colorado and had a fabulous dinner (thanks Mom!!) Matt's Anderson Grandparents were visiting from Idaho and all in all, it was a pretty good visit.
Reagan waiting so very patiently for the feast to begin!
Ever year we celebrate by wearing headbands with feathers or Pilgrim hats. We have relatives that actually came over on the Mayflower!

I laugh because Ben is a Pilgram and Angela is an Indian. What does that make their little ones??
Hannah had such a great time eating all the yummy food!

After the amazing food, the little girls and I went on a Thanksgiving stroll around the block. I love these little girls with all of my heart! One thing I really love about little ones is they don't care what the world thinks...they don't know any better. They think everyone loves everyone else, they don't have any enemies or things they worry about. I wish that I could be more like Molly, Reagan and Hannah.

I have so much to be thankful for! I know that I don't express that much. (I am going to try to follow Melinda's post and post 100 things I am thankful for.) But in the meantime, I am so grateful for family who love and care unconditionally. I hear horror stories of in-laws, but I have the most amazing in-laws anyone could ask for. Although I fought tooth and nail with my family growing up, I love them! They have taught me so much, and have made me the person I am today. I am grateful for a husband who loves me despite all of my shortcomings! He is the light of my life! And I am eternally grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Happy Veteran's Day

When I was in High School, our band went to the local Veteran's home, played a medley of Patriotic music and spent some time with the Veteran's. We also had what we called the Extravaganza where all of the junior high and high school bands, color guards, cheerleaders and drill teams got together during the half time show of a football game to honor the Veteran's with music, dance, and usually something really big like a Hummer or something in the middle of us all. There was always a big flag lowered from the ceiling and a 21 gun salute. It was quite fantastic and amazing, and a sense of humility really fell through me as I was so incredibly grateful for the men and women who serve, or have served, our country. I can be at home sleeping in my nice warm bed and at any given moment, thousands of men and women are across the country defending my freedom so I can speak, pray, worship as I choose.

I had forgot about the significance of this day until Doogie and I saw a flag flying from a neighboring apartment, and I remembered. I have a Father-in-law, Grandpa, a Grandpa-in-law, and three brothers who have served in various branches of the military. I am ever so grateful to have them so close to my heart. Thank you for serving! Thank you for sacrificing so much for my freedom! I love you dearly!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Morning Mumblings

This is my favorite time of year! I love to watch the leaves outside change into brilliant yellows, vibrant reds, and charismatic oranges. Now that most of the colors are gone, Doogie and I love to crunch through what is left of the faded browns and muted yellows on our morning walks. We wake up early when most of the world is still asleep (or we wait long enough until the world is at work) and we walk. I am not sure what he is thinking. I can guess it is "I like the smell of this tree. Need to mark this spot. I wonder if I will get anything different for breakfast this morning." But this has really been an ideal opportunity for me to attempt to organize some thoughts that have been scrolling through my head for quite sometime.

I am not searching for sympathy, just some peace of mind really. I feel like a total schizophrenic inside my own mind: There is a struggle, a battle, a war raging inside of me. I am not sure at this point in the battle who will prevail. There is a huge part of me that wants to be a good, Latter-day Saint woman. I want to read my scriptures, go to the Temple, pray unto God knowing He cares about me specifically. I want to KNOW, not just believe, that He truly has a plan for me and the reason I am struggling now is for a greater purpose. That I will look back in a few years and see why I had to go through this awful, horrible, painful battle of infertility. And then there is the evil me: The part of me that is so angry, so bitter, so upset, so hurt that I just want to stay that way because at least I know I am feeling something, anything! This seems like such an irrational battle because I KNOW all of the Sunday School answers. I KNOW that what I teach my beautiful little Sunbeams about every week is NOT a lie! I know that I feel the way I do because I have shut myself off. I know He is standing at the door knocking and all I need do is open it. I KNOW all of those things. I get it. I just don't know how.

I have been doing a lot of reading of conference talks from people who have a personal relationship with Heavenly Father. And I have felt some comfort from that. But one that really hit home was a conversation I had with a wonderful woman in my ward on Sunday. She is in the process of adopting through LDSFS and had to do an all day training last week. In one of the sessions, the speaker posed the question, "As adults, are we entitled to children?" She said they were all questioning this. And the answer came back that No. Just because we are adults, and we may even be righteous adults, we are not entitled to children. The only entitlement comes from the children: Children are entitled to parents who love them. So, just another thing I have been pondering on this week.

What I don't want you to get from this crazy post is I am going insane. I have a testimony and I know certain things to be true. I think we all struggle. Some struggle because they have so many kids they don't know what to do. I am not discounting that at all. I think this was more of a way for me just to vent some feelings.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Infant Massage Weekend!

This past weekend was one of the most influential, amazing, terrific weekends of my life! It was the International Association of Infant Massage General Assembly. Basically what that means is people who teach infant massage (also known as parent/baby classes, trainers and anyone else who was interested, gathered together from around the globe (literally!!) to be taught, renew and start friendships, and join together for the purpose of sending the message of positive touch to every baby born! I didn't realize at first what a huge organization this is; There are chapters in 50 countries including Israel, Mexico, Australia, Sweden, Norway, Spain, Spain, and many many more.
I arrived at the Omni Hotel in Longmont around 4:30pm. I called my friend Laura to find out where she was. When she called me back she asked me to join her in one of the rooms. When I reached the room, I was greeted by Laura and there was another woman in the room, but she had her back to me. She did not look familiar to me right off the bat, but as I made my way around, I made eye contact with the beautiful woman. Laura said, "I would like you to meet my friend Vimala McClure." I became speechless. I wasn't quite sure how to react. I guess I should explain who Vimala McClure is: She is the infant massage guru!! She is the one who really discovered infant massage, brought it to the USA, published a book, formed the organization, and IS infant massage! I hugged her and I kissed her cheek and I could not stop touching and looking at her. I cannot explain to you what a blessed, treasured moment this was. I sat at her feet as she told a story, I watched her smile, and even eat chocolate icecream. This will definatly go down as one of the top moments of my life!
I wish I could describe to you the weekend! I get pretty speechless trying to write my feelings, my excitment, and my vision for infant massage. I learned so many things that will make me a more valuable teacher, wife, and someday mother. I am a better person because of the people I met and the spirit I felt all weekend. Saturday night was a banquet specifically honoring Vimala and Audrey Downs. (Audrey became instrumental to Vimala in organizing the whole international association). Without the two of them, there would be no association!
This is Laura and my new friend from California, Michael. (who happens to be the only male trainer in a sea of women...what a lucky guy!)
Vimala and Audrey at the banquet in their honor:

So, where do I go from here? I plan on taking the infant massage training in March. From there I have to do a certification process and I can teach parents who to massage their babies. I have a vision of what I want to have happen, but I am still trying to process and sort things out into words. It was life changing for me!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Alaskan Cruise

Warning: Long Post Ahead! I have been asked a lot about our cruise, and the wait is over. Please know this is just a small sampling of stories and pictures. I am trying to compile and video/picture montouge, but it is taking some time to sort through nearly 4 gigs of pics. I will definately post it when I get it done. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy a small sampling of Alaska!

We all flew into the Seattle Airport Friday, September 13 and stayed in a hotel that evening. We boarded the boat Saturday around 2:30pm. They immediately sent us up to the dining room to eat. Really, we didn't stop eating until we got off the boat the following Saturday. I think I gained all my weight back in about one week!
Before we could set sail, they had to do a safety drill. We all had to go to our cabins, grab our life jackets, and meet in our designated areas for further instructions. I sure got a kick out of everyone!
The second day was spent just sailing. Matt and I got acquainted with the ship and found all sorts of really cool things! There was a gift shop (with extremelly overpriced items), a cinema, giant chess board, and even a driving range! I think my favorite thing on the entire trip was the amazing, breathtaking views we had! The first night we were graced with an awe inspiring sunset (really, the only sunset on the entire cruise. There was a lot of fog!) Our first port was Ketchikan, Alaska. The girls went shopping, and the boys went Salmon fishing. (FYI the girls are my Grams, my Mom and myself. Boys=Matt, my Grampy, step-dad Chris, brother Drew). Between the four of them, they caught 9 salmon! The most any boat caught all day! We had Matt's salmon shipped home and I am definatly looking forward to a fish fry!

We docked next in Juneau, where Matt and I took a tour of Mendenhall, Glacier. Talk about beautiful scenery!! I remember telling Matt while we were here that I can't understand how anyone can see this beauty and not believe in Heavenly Father, or at least a creator. Everything is perfectly set in its place!
From Juneau we went to Skagway, which was one of the huge gold mining town during the 1800s. We took a train ride, and again, stunning scenery! Waterfalls coming right out of the mountains, leaves just beginning to turn, trees everywhere! Absolutely incredible! I cannot find words to desribe what I felt and the beauty we were able to partake of!

Our last port was Prince Rupert, Canada. My parents, Matt and I went whale watching, something I have wanted to do my entire life! Humpback whales came as close as 30 feet from our boat! It was an incredible experience!
And a little known fact about me is my obsession and love for lighthouses. (I picked this up from one of my roomies in college). I decided my dream is to someday live in and manage one. What a fantasy!
Our last day was spent at sea, meaning we sailed all day. We got off in Seattle and flew home. It was a once in a lifetime experience. Everyone on the ship was so friendly and nice. The service was impeccable! When you left your cabin in the morning you turned the sign outside to read, "Make up Cabin," and housecleaning staff came in to make your bed, give you fresh towels, and tidy up the place. Before going in for the evening you turned the sign to read "Turn down Cabin" and the same staff came in and put the next days itinerary out on the bed with little mints and occasionally a little towel animal! I felt like royalty! There are appoximately 1,000 staff that so professionally take care of all the guests. I am forever in debt to my grandparents for their kindness and generosity for taking us all on the cruise. It was the experience of a lifetime!!

Stay tuned for more! :)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Happy 4th Anniversary!!

Today celebrates our 4th Anniversary! It doesn't seem like it has been that long at all! I am so grateful for a husband who loves me and cares for me, and not to mention is so good looking!! My favorite movie is Everafter, and I quote is all the time, but I particularly enjoy the part where the Prince is speaking to Da Vinci about finding your perfect mate:
Henry: Do you really think there is only one perfect mate?
Leonardo da Vinci: As a matter of fact, I do.
Henry: Well then how can you be certain to find them? And if you do find them, are they really the one for you or do you only think they are? And what happens if the person you're supposed to be with never appears, or, or she does, but you're too distracted to notice?
Leonardo da Vinci: You learn to pay attention.
I am so glad Matt paid attention!! It took him awhile, but I am so glad he did. When I got the job in Colorado, I called my home teacher (Matt) to tell him I was going to go to the Temple to pray about it. He asked if he could come, and while I was pouring my heart out to Heavenly Father about moving, Matt was next to me pouring his heart out about me. I am so grateful that my husband is so close to the Lord and he learned early on to listen to the still small voice! I am grateful for Matt and all he is, and all he will become. I love him dearly! Happy Anniversary!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Leaving on a Jet Plane

I am so very excited (and nervous) to be leaving! We are flying to Seattle and from Seattle we will board the Norwegian Star for our Alaskan Cruise! I am very excited, and I have to admit, a little nervous. I always get knots in my stomach when I have to get on a plane and leave my home for any period of time. But I know things will be great!! I am excited to spend the week with my hubby and my family and not worry about work or bills or anything else! I hope you all have a great week and I can't wait to post pictures of the trip! See ya soon! Sending my love across the ocean!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

I love my nieces to pieces!

Thank you again for your continued prayers and love! We are doing okay. Everyday brings something different, but we try to put our trust in the Lord and in His plan.
In the midst of the craziness, I didn't get an opportunity to share our Labor Day weekend! It was amazing! We were going to go camping, but completely spaced making reservations until Thursday night. Wouldn't ya know, everything was booked! We called up Matt's brother, Ben and his cute wife, Angela, and asked permission to "kidnap" the babies. They were happy for a weekend of peace and we were beyond ecstatic for a weekend with the girls! We did as much as we could possibly squeeze into one day.
Reagan and Hannah on one of our breaks. It was soo hot!!

The entire time, Reagan kept saying she wanted to see the giraffes. They were at the very end!

Her other favorite was the lions! She repeated, "The Daddy lion has flies on his nose."

Matt told me I had to post this one...what else can I say?

There were some bongo drums and the girls absolutely loved them!!

No Aunt/Uncle day is complete without a trip to McDonalds! (I forgot my camera in the car for this part) but the girls were absolutely adorable! I could watch them play for hours.

It was such a warm day we wanted to play in the water, so we drove across town to Southlands Mall to play, but neither of them were too terribly set on the water idea. I definitely got more wet than they did!

For a nice ending to the day we had ice cream. The girls were so incredibly adorable! There was ice cream EVERYWHERE!!

My favorite part of the day was bath time, and bedtime stories and singing my little girls to sleep. They are the lights of my life and I am so blessed to have two little nieces who I love to pieces!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Tao (or way) of Life

Questioning why doesn't work. Feeling guilty doesn't either. I need to let it all go and just be. I teach a class in massage therapy school called Acupressure. You may be familiar with its brother, Acupuncture. Very similar, just without the needles. We study a philosophy called Taoism (Dow-ism), which interpreted best into English means "The Way, The One, The Absolute." Taosim is very hard to explain, but to me in my life, it is a way of finding true happiness, a way of just "being" present in the moment. It is a thought that things are just the way they are for a reason, even if we do not understand why. (Sounds a lot like Gospel principles to me!!)

So, that is where I am today. I have been doing some fertility testing. Well, I needed to wait until I got my monthly cycle to go back in and get another round of tests. I kept waiting and counting days, and nothing came, and then after being about a week late, I started having cramps. Cramps, for me, is the first sign my cycle is going to be starting within 24 hours. I cramped for three days without any bleeding. I made Matt buy a "pee on a stick" (aka pregnancy test) and we were both ecstatic when it came out positive! After doing the math, we found out we were about six weeks along. Last night I started bleeding, so I put a call into the doc and was able to get in this afternoon. I had an ultrasound and found nothing. The "tissue" (as they call it; I still call it my baby) had miscarried. I will need to wait for everything to come out naturally (which really stinks with my cruise coming up in 2 weeks) but at least now I know.

Of course, I question. Why? Am I not worthy? What did I do wrong? Why can a teenager have sex once and be pregnant? I am trying not to do that. We have been praying to Heavenly Father that "thy will be done," so I feel some semblance of comfort from knowing that He has a greater plan, even if I don't understand right now. It will be a couple of months before we can continue on with testing,but it will all work out. It has to! Writing has been a huge form of therapy today, so thank you for listening to my ramblings. Thank you again for your continued prayers. The comfort is truly felt!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

A Differant Dream

When I was 17 and graduating high school I thought I had my entire life planned out ahead of me. I was going to Rick's College, and there I would meet the man of my dreams, be married in December, have our first child within the year, and another every two years. He would be a doctor, make enough money that I could stay home, raise our family, have a yard and garden, a big house, go on trips, and live happily ever after. I realized by the time I graduated with barely having a date in college, my plans would be significantly different.

I didn't marry until I was 22, I had a career, and it is hard work for happily ever after. (I think it is a journey, not a destination!!) Fast forward 4 years: We still don't have any children, no house or garden, we occasionally get out for a trip. This is not what I imagined as a teenager! But I am grateful for what is. Some days, I seem to wallow in my self pity of "Why can't I get pregnant?"or "Why me?" But I try to make those days less and less. Today, I am grateful. I have been working 50-55 hours a week and feeling very tired and missing my hubby, but I had this morning to ponder, soul search, reconnect. I found blogs of people I know who have been in similar situations, where life has not handed them what they dreamed, at least in the way they dreamed it. My heart is full, and yet it aches for others who so desperately want their dreams fulfilled. I don't understand why it is the way it is. But I do trust that there is plan for each of us, despite what we are struggling with. I love you and I thank you for your constant support and prayers! I hope that no matter your struggles, you are able to find peace and love!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Happy Birthday and Testimony

Sometime last week I got a fairly long post all laid out, ready to go and as I hit "Publish" I was told Blogspot was down. I didn't think to save it, I just got mad and deleted it. So, here I am again, ready to post...
Last Wednesday was Matt's 29th Birthday! It tickles me funny to think he will be 30 next year!! Matt is my everything, my reason for living, my light, my love. I am eternally grateful for him and his patience with all of my shortcomings and quirks. Matt always tries to make my laugh and I am forever in love with his little kid smile. Matt is everything I dreamed of in a husband!! He is a worthy Priesthood holdler, he loves me exactly for who I am, he is a provider and a nurturer, he loves children and wants a family; I can even wear his suit coat in church when I get cold! ( one of my silly teenage pre-requisites!) I love you hunny, more than words can explain! I thank Heavenly Father daily for you and I am so grateful I get to spend eternity with you! Para Sempre meu amor!

There really hasn't been too much going on. Work has been crazy for me with teachers coming and going, papers to grade, and some special needs students. I really truly love what I do however! On a happier note, we have started round two of fertility testing, so we will see where this leads us to. A wonderful woman in my ward who has been TTC (trying to conceive) as well, spoke with me on Sunday. We share so many of the same feelings, heartaches, and thoughts. She shared with me a passage of scripture in John 9:2-3,
"And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?
Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him."
This really hit home. Neither of us have sinned. Neither of us in unworthy of the blessings of children. I have been given this trial to make known the glory of God, to find it within myself, help others to find that same glory, and to turn it all back to Heavenly Father. It doesn't make sitting through a baby blessing or watching pregnant women in the mall any easier, but it does put it into prospective for me! How grateful I am to a Heavenly Father who never gives up on me, who loves me despite all of my shortcomings and sends me encouragement when He knows I need it!