Questioning why doesn't work. Feeling guilty doesn't either. I need to let it all go and just be. I teach a class in massage therapy school called Acupressure. You may be familiar with its brother, Acupuncture. Very similar, just without the needles. We study a philosophy called Taoism (Dow-ism), which interpreted best into English means "The Way, The One, The Absolute." Taosim is very hard to explain, but to me in my life, it is a way of finding true happiness, a way of just "being" present in the moment. It is a thought that things are just the way they are for a reason, even if we do not understand why. (Sounds a lot like Gospel principles to me!!)
So, that is where I am today. I have been doing some fertility testing. Well, I needed to wait until I got my monthly cycle to go back in and get another round of tests. I kept waiting and counting days, and nothing came, and then after being about a week late, I started having cramps. Cramps, for me, is the first sign my cycle is going to be starting within 24 hours. I cramped for three days without any bleeding. I made Matt buy a "pee on a stick" (aka pregnancy test) and we were both ecstatic when it came out positive! After doing the math, we found out we were about six weeks along. Last night I started bleeding, so I put a call into the doc and was able to get in this afternoon. I had an ultrasound and found nothing. The "tissue" (as they call it; I still call it my baby) had miscarried. I will need to wait for everything to come out naturally (which really stinks with my cruise coming up in 2 weeks) but at least now I know.
Of course, I question. Why? Am I not worthy? What did I do wrong? Why can a teenager have sex once and be pregnant? I am trying not to do that. We have been praying to Heavenly Father that "thy will be done," so I feel some semblance of comfort from knowing that He has a greater plan, even if I don't understand right now. It will be a couple of months before we can continue on with testing,but it will all work out. It has to! Writing has been a huge form of therapy today, so thank you for listening to my ramblings. Thank you again for your continued prayers. The comfort is truly felt!