Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Tao (or way) of Life

Questioning why doesn't work. Feeling guilty doesn't either. I need to let it all go and just be. I teach a class in massage therapy school called Acupressure. You may be familiar with its brother, Acupuncture. Very similar, just without the needles. We study a philosophy called Taoism (Dow-ism), which interpreted best into English means "The Way, The One, The Absolute." Taosim is very hard to explain, but to me in my life, it is a way of finding true happiness, a way of just "being" present in the moment. It is a thought that things are just the way they are for a reason, even if we do not understand why. (Sounds a lot like Gospel principles to me!!)

So, that is where I am today. I have been doing some fertility testing. Well, I needed to wait until I got my monthly cycle to go back in and get another round of tests. I kept waiting and counting days, and nothing came, and then after being about a week late, I started having cramps. Cramps, for me, is the first sign my cycle is going to be starting within 24 hours. I cramped for three days without any bleeding. I made Matt buy a "pee on a stick" (aka pregnancy test) and we were both ecstatic when it came out positive! After doing the math, we found out we were about six weeks along. Last night I started bleeding, so I put a call into the doc and was able to get in this afternoon. I had an ultrasound and found nothing. The "tissue" (as they call it; I still call it my baby) had miscarried. I will need to wait for everything to come out naturally (which really stinks with my cruise coming up in 2 weeks) but at least now I know.

Of course, I question. Why? Am I not worthy? What did I do wrong? Why can a teenager have sex once and be pregnant? I am trying not to do that. We have been praying to Heavenly Father that "thy will be done," so I feel some semblance of comfort from knowing that He has a greater plan, even if I don't understand right now. It will be a couple of months before we can continue on with testing,but it will all work out. It has to! Writing has been a huge form of therapy today, so thank you for listening to my ramblings. Thank you again for your continued prayers. The comfort is truly felt!

15 comments:

Kristen said...

Oh Brandy, I am so sorry. There is nothing worse than wanting to be pregnant so bad, finding out you are, only to be disappointed later. I don't understand why things happen, but I do know that you are amazing and have so many that love you, including a Heavenly Father who feels the same pain you are right now. Just so you know, I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Lind Family said...

I am so sorry, Brandy. You and Matt are in my prayers. Take comfort in knowing that you will be able to have many children in the life to come. I love you so much. Stay strong and remember to ask for priesthood blessings. They help so much!

Adam and Kym said...

I am so sorry Brandy. My prayers are with you. Thank you for sharing with us.

French Family said...

Oh, Brandy. My heart is breaking for you and your husband. I also add that Wade and I will remember you in our family prayer tonight, too.

Darci and Ryan said...

Brandy, I am so sorry. It'so hard to understand why things happen, but I do know that if it's in this life or the next, that you will be the greates mom ever!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Suzie-Q said...

I was getting so excited for you while I read but then came to the end and strated to cry for you. Sometimes it does take a long time for things to fall into place you may not know the reasons for it but when you look back someday you will be so grateful that the Lord sees the Big picture.
Try to stay happy and in the meanwhile have fun on your vacation!

Criscell said...

Brandy, I'm SO sorry! You don't deserve this! I too, was getting so happy for you...until the end of your post. I wish we knew all the "why's" of life too. I have another friend who actually went through artificial insemination, got pregnant with multiples, and then ended up losing all of them this summer after 14 weeks of being pregnant. It's just so sad. I too, will pray for you. Have fun on your cruise! (Maybe it will happen then!)

Holly said...

Oh my favorite Brandy!! I love you so much and I hate that you are having this trial!! You are such an amazing person and someone that I really look up to! You have an awesome outlook on life and I enjoy reading your blogs and learning from you!! I love you and think about you often!! Sure love ya!!

The Gray Gang said...

I have the Chicago Temple on Speed Dial and I just put your names on the prayer roll! You are in our thoughts and prayers!

The Gray Gang said...

P.S. where are you cruising to? We are going to Mexico in January! I hope you have so so so much fun! Ahh!! Cruises!!!

The Adams family said...

Oh girl! What a huge let down! You are so amazingly strong. Just think your cruise is coming at the right time! You are so worthy of what you wnat... but sometime even if we are worthy we dont always get what we want. Just think of our early church memeber, they had more faith than I do and they had such horrible trials. Things will work out for you. Satan is just trying to take you away! We sure love you and always are thinking of you!

The Bourne Family said...

That's so exciting that you were able to get pregnant!! I'm so sorry you lost the baby. Miscarriages are physically, emotionally, and psychologically painful. I'm so sorry that you're going through this pain. I lost a baby before Ethan. I was 5 1/2 weeks along. It made me so sad. I had only known for a little while that I was pregnant, but I was so excited. I was so grateful for the Lord that week. I really felt Him close to me as He and my loved ones provided loving comfort. I also felt good writing about it and talking about it with others. I hope you're feeling well and that you are able to enjoy your cruise. Remember, that there is nothing you did to lose the baby. It's not your fault.

Liz said...

Thanks for sharing Brandy, so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts and prayers! Love ya!

Rawlings Family said...

You definetly are in our prayers. I am reaching across Utah into Colorado and giving you the biggest bear hug ever! You deserve to be a mother and I'm sure that when that day comes you will be amazing, no matter the method it comes by. Keep your chin up and please keep sharing your thoughts!

Emily said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this Brandy! I don't understand why these things happen but I know for sure that it has nothing to do with you or your worthiness. You're awesome! I was so touched by your post about your nieces. It's awesome that you are so willing to share your love! You'll be a great mommy! I'm praying for you guys!