Friday, May 25, 2012


We interupt this regularly scheduled blog about my amazing son and family with some thoughts of my own.  I had an amazing massage (no, amazing doesn't even BEGIN to cover it, but I can't seem to find a better word at the moment) last night and I have been doing A LOT of pondering since then.  I thought I would write a few of my thoughts down on....paper?

9 Years ago I was going to school at BYU-Idaho. I started out as a music therapy major, but for some reason, just couldn't get the info down.  I had a really difficult time with theory and aural skills (but totally loved my conducting class!!)  I just didn't feel right about it all.  I ended up just changing to generals and got my associates degree.  Long story short, I was going to serve a mission, but was denied the opportunity at the last moment (which looking back now, really was the Lord's hand in my life).  I was angry.  I was lost.  I was frantic trying to find something to do with my life.  I hung around and took some fun classes I always wanted to take.  I was walking around campus one day and this thought came into my mind, "Look at massage therapy schools online."  I wouldn't have listened, but it was pretty persistant.  See, I had never thought, dreamt, heard of massage ever. 

So, I followed my promting and looked up some school.  I requested information from several, but within 24 hours I received a call from a representative in at UCMT in SLC, UT.  (Now, they call you back within 2 minutes of hitting the request info button).  I spoke to a lovely lady and got more information.  I received my packet in the mail a day later and financial aid/FAFSA forms 2 days after that.  I didn't talk to anyone about it.  I didn't want anyone to know what I was condering.  After a lot of praying, I knew I had to quit the current semester and move to SLC to go to massage school. I am sure my friends and family thought this was another one of those "fleeting thoughts" or "she will forget about it" or "she is going to fail" but I knew in my heart of hearts this was the right choice for me.  Within 3 weeks, I pulled out of my classes at school, sold my apartment contract and enjoyed every last moment I could at BYU-I with every last person I could.  I rememeber very clearly my last night there.  We had FHE with our brothers and played some fun games.  My roomies made me a cake that said, "Happy FEC Hunting."  I went over to my brother's house for a priesthood blessing.  I remember the spirit speaking so strongly to me that I was absolutley doing the right thing, I had made a good decision.  I remember Mary trying to scare me on my way home and falling and skinning her knee. 

I struggled in SLC.  My first apartment of girls was awful!  Boys over all night.  Struggling with anatomy homework, trying to figure out who I was and what I was doing.  After a couple of months, I found a new roommate who was a good LDS woman also going to massage school, got some help with anatomy, really became involved with my Single's Ward and fell in love....with myself.  I learned I was okay the way I was, with who I was. I started dating, which was something entirely new for me.  (About 6 months previous, I had a failed engagement, so definately ready to move on with life). 

Fast forward 9 years.  I married a cute guy from the Single's Ward and are living happily ever after with a cute little boy to boot.  I previously worked with chiropractors, at a day spa, The Broadmoor and I have been at DSMT for 8 years.  I absolutely LOVE massage.  I love the way it makes someone feel good on the inside and outside.  I love it is such a THANKFUL job.  I love there are no side effects and everyone benefits.  Working at the school teaching about all of this has been a hoot and some of my most fond memories.  I love watching the student's eyes light up everytime they get it after they thought there was no way.  I love watching them progress from knowing nothing about massage to watching them walk across the stage, diploma in hand.  It is amazing, to say the least!  I am hardly ever at the school teaching anymore because I chose my family over my passion of massage, and I am okay with that.  I love my son and I have always wanted to be a mommy more than I wanted anything in life. 

Lately, things have been a little rocky for me.  When my friend offered to do a massage trade, I jumped at the opportunity.  Plans changed when I arrived and he was just going to give me a massage.  I have to tell you-I have received a LOT of massage in 9 years, but nothing like this.  He used Reiki and Hot Stone and his over all sense of compassionate touch.  I bawled through nearly the entire massage.  And I feel liberated.  I feel free.  I feel patient.  I feel renewed and balanced.  I feel as if I can breathe again, for maybe the first time ever.  How grateful I am to Trent.  Words cannot describe.  I didn't all of this was possible through massage.  I feel as if I have been taught.  Thank you cannot even begin to repay what he gave me last night.  Everyone should get a massage!  If this feeling was recreated in every person at least once in their lifetime, what a better world we would have.  I have often been accusssed of having a "rainbow and unicorn" view of how massage can change life, but I REALLY believe in this stuff.  I have seen it change the lives of students, clients and my own.  And today, I am grateful for things coming full circle.  The teacher has been taught. 

Thursday, May 24, 2012


Have you ever had a day where you wish you had a "due over?" that would be that day for me.
Not sure why, but I just woke up in a bad mood I think.  I try not to do that.  I try to look at everyday as an amazing opportunity.  But today just didn't seem like that. 
I was angry.  I was mean.  Little bits kept eating the dog food.  Tiny Baby was pushing.  The Girls were into everything.  The wind was blowing so hard we couldn't do much outside.  And then when we went outside, they were into the water when asked not to, the mud, the sand.  I yelled.  I really don't like yelling.  I was angry.  I really don't like to get angry.  At one point, I even put myself into "Mommy Time Out" and cried and prayed behind a closed door with 8 little hands pounding on the other side. (at least I knew where they all were).

I feel like the biggest failure.  I don't usually like nap time because it means more chores for me and I miss playing with the kids, but today, I literally counted down the minutes until. 
Tomorrow is another day.  I will absolutely be better.  I will absolutely do better. 
I cannot yell at the kids.  They don't deserve it.
But if there is a silver lining, we talked about how everyone is a child of God.  We all make mistakes and say and do things we regret or Heavenly Father isn't happy about, but we can repent.  And no matter what, we are all still children of God and He loves us.  How do they do it?  Thank goodness for tiny little ones who are still so close to the veil, who feel the spirit so strong.  So yes....tomorrow is another day.

And to help out, I am doing a massage trade tonight.  That should get the happiness rolling. :) 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day 2012

I have done a lot of thinking and pondering about Mother's day over the last several years.  There were many Sundays I went to church without a baby in my arms and tried to act happy about this day.  There were many, many tears shed, many days when my heart was broken, my arms ached to hold a baby, to be a mother.  I wish I could speak to my younger self with the knowledge I now have and tell her a few things.

Listen self, holding an infant in your arms doesn't necessarily makes you a mother.  Loving others makes you a mother.  I was an Aunt to 2 nieces and a nephew before I was a mom, and I tried my darndest to be the best Aunt I could be.  I served in primary and I loved those children desperately and did my best to teach them that they have a Heavenly Father who loves them.  I was a wife, daughter, grand-daughter, aunt, sister....all of those titles helped prepare me. 

And now, I have the opportunity to be a different kind of mother.  I gave birth to my sweet little boy nearly 2 years ago.  Two mother's days ago I was beyond huge and pregnant with my sweet angel baby.  I remember Matt gave me a corsage that to this day still hangs in my kitchen.  He was so excited to be a daddy.  I was even more excited to see my baby, the baby I had dreamed about for years and years prior. 

Fast forward...2012.  My sweet little boy sat down with his Daddy this morning and made me a cute little paper card.  Matt fixed me breakfast.  Steven made the cutest little card for me in nursery (with his hand-prints all over it because that is his favorite thing to do anytime he gets a crayon, pen or any writing utensil in his hand.  Luckily, he has amazing nursery leaders who indulge his fascination with tracing his hands).  Steven is the love of my life.  I am grateful he can calls me "Mama." 

I hope and pray everyday that I can be worthy of him.  I hope that he will always be proud and happy to call me his Mama.  I love you Steven, so dearly.  You will never know the tears that were shed before you arrived, or the tears shed after.  You are my Bug.  You bring me so much light.  Thanks for helping me make me a Mommy!  

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Dearest Bug,
My heart is so full today!  There is nothing particularly special about this day.  It doesn't mark any anniversaries, birthdays or anything amazingly special.  But it is a day I felt the amazingly huge spirit you carry inside your tiny little body.

Mommy has been struggling a lot with emotions and worries.  Daddy has been out of a job for 2 months and my job ends in just a couple of weeks.  Today, I just lost it.  I went in on my bed and started sobbing.  Your sweet little chubby feet climbed up right next to me.  You rubbed your sweet little hand up and down my back.  You kept saying, "Mama.  Mama."  until I looked up at you.  When I did, you looked at me, "Mama."  Oh, you always udder my name so sweetly.  Then you grabbed my head and put it into your lap and you held me.  Then tiny little baby I have held on so many occasions held me, his mother, in his lap.  Oh Steven, you don't even know what good you do for your Mama.  Thank you!  As you held me, I cried out to our loving Heavenly Father, "What good have I done to deserve such a sweet, pure, noble, valiant spirit in my life?"  I am eternally grateful to have you son!  You save me time and time again.  Thank you for holding me.

Later, after making brownies together, you let me hold you and rock you to sleep.  I feel it is so full circle.  Oh Steven, I love you more than you will ever know!  Thank you!  I love you Bug Bug!

Your Mama