Thursday, August 28, 2008

A Differant Dream

When I was 17 and graduating high school I thought I had my entire life planned out ahead of me. I was going to Rick's College, and there I would meet the man of my dreams, be married in December, have our first child within the year, and another every two years. He would be a doctor, make enough money that I could stay home, raise our family, have a yard and garden, a big house, go on trips, and live happily ever after. I realized by the time I graduated with barely having a date in college, my plans would be significantly different.

I didn't marry until I was 22, I had a career, and it is hard work for happily ever after. (I think it is a journey, not a destination!!) Fast forward 4 years: We still don't have any children, no house or garden, we occasionally get out for a trip. This is not what I imagined as a teenager! But I am grateful for what is. Some days, I seem to wallow in my self pity of "Why can't I get pregnant?"or "Why me?" But I try to make those days less and less. Today, I am grateful. I have been working 50-55 hours a week and feeling very tired and missing my hubby, but I had this morning to ponder, soul search, reconnect. I found blogs of people I know who have been in similar situations, where life has not handed them what they dreamed, at least in the way they dreamed it. My heart is full, and yet it aches for others who so desperately want their dreams fulfilled. I don't understand why it is the way it is. But I do trust that there is plan for each of us, despite what we are struggling with. I love you and I thank you for your constant support and prayers! I hope that no matter your struggles, you are able to find peace and love!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Happy Birthday and Testimony

Sometime last week I got a fairly long post all laid out, ready to go and as I hit "Publish" I was told Blogspot was down. I didn't think to save it, I just got mad and deleted it. So, here I am again, ready to post...
Last Wednesday was Matt's 29th Birthday! It tickles me funny to think he will be 30 next year!! Matt is my everything, my reason for living, my light, my love. I am eternally grateful for him and his patience with all of my shortcomings and quirks. Matt always tries to make my laugh and I am forever in love with his little kid smile. Matt is everything I dreamed of in a husband!! He is a worthy Priesthood holdler, he loves me exactly for who I am, he is a provider and a nurturer, he loves children and wants a family; I can even wear his suit coat in church when I get cold! ( one of my silly teenage pre-requisites!) I love you hunny, more than words can explain! I thank Heavenly Father daily for you and I am so grateful I get to spend eternity with you! Para Sempre meu amor!

There really hasn't been too much going on. Work has been crazy for me with teachers coming and going, papers to grade, and some special needs students. I really truly love what I do however! On a happier note, we have started round two of fertility testing, so we will see where this leads us to. A wonderful woman in my ward who has been TTC (trying to conceive) as well, spoke with me on Sunday. We share so many of the same feelings, heartaches, and thoughts. She shared with me a passage of scripture in John 9:2-3,
"And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?
Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him."
This really hit home. Neither of us have sinned. Neither of us in unworthy of the blessings of children. I have been given this trial to make known the glory of God, to find it within myself, help others to find that same glory, and to turn it all back to Heavenly Father. It doesn't make sitting through a baby blessing or watching pregnant women in the mall any easier, but it does put it into prospective for me! How grateful I am to a Heavenly Father who never gives up on me, who loves me despite all of my shortcomings and sends me encouragement when He knows I need it!