Sunday, March 7, 2010

It's A......

Baby Boy was being extremely difficult during the ultrasound. He kept moving and jumping all over the place. I told the tech, "He is just like his daddy, very stubborn!" Blue would turn away from the camera at all costs. He better get used to pictures!

When the tech went to look for the sex the first time, Blue had his little legs shut as tight as could be. She continued on taking pictures of the rest of the body, but wherever she put her fancy wand, he put his little hands. I joked that he was going to be an artist or a massage therapist because he had something going on with his hands. If she wanted pictures of his face, he put his hands up. If she wanted pictures of his belly, he put his hands there. I couldn't help but smile. Unfortunately though, we didn't get pictures of everything we needed because of his stubbornness. So, we will try again next month. (Imagine my disappointment when I was told I would HAVE to get another ultrasound next month to remeasure some things).

At the end she went down to look to see what sex Blue was. Keep in mind, we have been waiting five years for the little one. We have had very vivid dreams and visions, and we were about 98% sure it was a boy, but we wanted proof. At first she said, "I'm 60% sure its a boy." 60%?? That is NOT very sure. She looked and poked and checked a bit more and moved her estimate up to 85%, but she suggested not painting the nursery yet.

We are thrilled and excited! We know his name is Steven. This is Matt's first name (he goes by his middle name) and Matt's Dad's name. We are unsure of the middle name. We have it narrowed down to 3, but we have toyed with not settling on anything for sure until we meet him. And we are still trying to decide on a Portuguese middle name as well, something we have planned on doing since before we even met each other. Thanks for all of your support and love! We are beaming parents!
ps. The cord for the scanner is still MIA. Man, moving is the pits! Hopefully, grandmas and great grandmas are getting antsy for ultrasound pics, so if no cord can come up this week, I am going to buy one! Hopefully soon.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Memory of a Heartbeat

Ahh...3am...the very bain of my existence!
It is almost like clockwork...up at 3am. I am not necessarily complaining, I would just prefer to be asleep.

As I got up to use the restroom this morning, a memory popped into my head and I can't seem to fall back asleep. What else should I do with such memories except write them down. Of course!

When I found out I was pregnant I was delighted, but so very apprehensive. I have lost two confirmed pregnancies in the past and I was worried about this one as well. Everyone told me not to put it out there, not to worry about it because I may manifest it for myself, but how do you tell someone who has loved and lost not to worry? So, I worried.

At 8 weeks, we went in for our first appointment. It was nothing I hadn't been through before. Weight, urine, questions, etc. And then the ultrasound. Again, I have been through this before. With my very first pregnancy, I could see a "blob" on the ultrasound machine. I had a picture of the baby. With the second, it was just to confirm that yes, I had had a miscarriage. Because it was so early, it was an internal ultrasound.

The third time was different though. There was my perfectly formed, 3cm from head to rump, little tiny baby. The tech took all sorts of measurements and pressed from all kinds of angles and then she pressed a button, a shiny button. that forever changed who I am as a woman and a mother. When she pushed this button I heard something I had not hear up until this point....I heard my baby's heartbeat. I heard it clear as anything I have ever heard before in my life. "150 beats a minute. Sounds good," she says. And then almost as quick as it was there, it was gone. I remember pleading with her to please turn it back on for just another second, but I know they are pressed for time (and to be completely honest with you, I don't think she took me seriously). In five years, countless times waiting, trying, watching, negative test after negative test, I had heard a sound I would remember forever. I heard my little one's heartbeat!

How do you describe complete elation? Complete love? Complete joy?
There are no words. But as I looked up at Matt, he had tears streaming down his face. He had also had his moment with his little one, the one we had created together. We love each other very deeply, but within that moment in time, our eyes and our hearts locked and we loved each other a little bit more.

As we prepare for our third ultrasound, my heart is heavy with joy and with worry. I am elated again to see "Blue" (as we have been affectionately calling the little one) and to hear that glub of the machine, but I am frightened beyond all get out. I guess I probably will be until that little one is placed in my arms. And so I worry, but it is those moments, those small seconds in time, I have learned to lean on in times of worry.