Ahh...3am...the very bain of my existence!
It is almost like clockwork...up at 3am. I am not necessarily complaining, I would just prefer to be asleep.
As I got up to use the restroom this morning, a memory popped into my head and I can't seem to fall back asleep. What else should I do with such memories except write them down. Of course!
When I found out I was pregnant I was delighted, but so very apprehensive. I have lost two confirmed pregnancies in the past and I was worried about this one as well. Everyone told me not to put it out there, not to worry about it because I may manifest it for myself, but how do you tell someone who has loved and lost not to worry? So, I worried.
At 8 weeks, we went in for our first appointment. It was nothing I hadn't been through before. Weight, urine, questions, etc. And then the ultrasound. Again, I have been through this before. With my very first pregnancy, I could see a "blob" on the ultrasound machine. I had a picture of the baby. With the second, it was just to confirm that yes, I had had a miscarriage. Because it was so early, it was an internal ultrasound.
The third time was different though. There was my perfectly formed, 3cm from head to rump, little tiny baby. The tech took all sorts of measurements and pressed from all kinds of angles and then she pressed a button, a shiny button. that forever changed who I am as a woman and a mother. When she pushed this button I heard something I had not hear up until this point....I heard my baby's heartbeat. I heard it clear as anything I have ever heard before in my life. "150 beats a minute. Sounds good," she says. And then almost as quick as it was there, it was gone. I remember pleading with her to please turn it back on for just another second, but I know they are pressed for time (and to be completely honest with you, I don't think she took me seriously). In five years, countless times waiting, trying, watching, negative test after negative test, I had heard a sound I would remember forever. I heard my little one's heartbeat!
How do you describe complete elation? Complete love? Complete joy?
There are no words. But as I looked up at Matt, he had tears streaming down his face. He had also had his moment with his little one, the one we had created together. We love each other very deeply, but within that moment in time, our eyes and our hearts locked and we loved each other a little bit more.
As we prepare for our third ultrasound, my heart is heavy with joy and with worry. I am elated again to see "Blue" (as we have been affectionately calling the little one) and to hear that glub of the machine, but I am frightened beyond all get out. I guess I probably will be until that little one is placed in my arms. And so I worry, but it is those moments, those small seconds in time, I have learned to lean on in times of worry.