Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Morning Mumblings

This is my favorite time of year! I love to watch the leaves outside change into brilliant yellows, vibrant reds, and charismatic oranges. Now that most of the colors are gone, Doogie and I love to crunch through what is left of the faded browns and muted yellows on our morning walks. We wake up early when most of the world is still asleep (or we wait long enough until the world is at work) and we walk. I am not sure what he is thinking. I can guess it is "I like the smell of this tree. Need to mark this spot. I wonder if I will get anything different for breakfast this morning." But this has really been an ideal opportunity for me to attempt to organize some thoughts that have been scrolling through my head for quite sometime.

I am not searching for sympathy, just some peace of mind really. I feel like a total schizophrenic inside my own mind: There is a struggle, a battle, a war raging inside of me. I am not sure at this point in the battle who will prevail. There is a huge part of me that wants to be a good, Latter-day Saint woman. I want to read my scriptures, go to the Temple, pray unto God knowing He cares about me specifically. I want to KNOW, not just believe, that He truly has a plan for me and the reason I am struggling now is for a greater purpose. That I will look back in a few years and see why I had to go through this awful, horrible, painful battle of infertility. And then there is the evil me: The part of me that is so angry, so bitter, so upset, so hurt that I just want to stay that way because at least I know I am feeling something, anything! This seems like such an irrational battle because I KNOW all of the Sunday School answers. I KNOW that what I teach my beautiful little Sunbeams about every week is NOT a lie! I know that I feel the way I do because I have shut myself off. I know He is standing at the door knocking and all I need do is open it. I KNOW all of those things. I get it. I just don't know how.

I have been doing a lot of reading of conference talks from people who have a personal relationship with Heavenly Father. And I have felt some comfort from that. But one that really hit home was a conversation I had with a wonderful woman in my ward on Sunday. She is in the process of adopting through LDSFS and had to do an all day training last week. In one of the sessions, the speaker posed the question, "As adults, are we entitled to children?" She said they were all questioning this. And the answer came back that No. Just because we are adults, and we may even be righteous adults, we are not entitled to children. The only entitlement comes from the children: Children are entitled to parents who love them. So, just another thing I have been pondering on this week.

What I don't want you to get from this crazy post is I am going insane. I have a testimony and I know certain things to be true. I think we all struggle. Some struggle because they have so many kids they don't know what to do. I am not discounting that at all. I think this was more of a way for me just to vent some feelings.

13 comments:

Criscell said...

Oh Brandy! I think we all struggle with that at some point in our lives so don't beat yourself up. We all KNOW the Sunday School answers, but it's so hard to really FEEL them all the time. I'm praying for you! Hang in there! The Lord loves you so much.

Suzie-Q said...

It is ok to feel this way I think that Heavenly Father knows how we feel, but remember even if he does know he still wants us to talk to and tell him how feel. You are doing a great job, preparing for what ever may come for you. Just keep taking care of your number one baby right now, your husband. No matter how old they get or even how many kids you may have they still want your attention the most. oh, and have you noticed when they get sick it is like the whole world should feel bad for them, they just don't handle it like us women, I guess we really are stronger aren't we?
Enjoy your walks, it is a great time of year to watch the colors change!

The Adams family said...

I dont think you are going insane, I think that you are going throught what each of us do when we are having a hard time... searching for the peace that we know is there. I am so sorry that you have not felt it yet! Know that it is coming. We have gone through a huge trial right now and have felt helpless, but I really felt at peace during this last conference. I loved (i like it was monson's talk) about enjoys the moments that we have right now! We all have SO much to be thankful for, but are always looking to what we want for our future...( I know I am the worst!) Enjoy your simple moements and you will fell the peace that you are looking for. I know it really helped me. They are right... you might not be a mother in thes sence that you are looking right now... but know that heavenly father will make you a mother in the way he know will make you happy~ I love you so much and wish that I lived closer to give you the biggest hug that i could! You are a wonderful person and I know you will find what you need!

The Figgins said...

I know how you feel about knowing but sometimes being tired of just waiting for the right time and being accepting. It's hard and it's one thing that will be hard for the rest of our lives and we have to learn. It sucks in a beautiful way.

Get Bent said...

I love you Brandy. I am going through some tough times right now too. I am so grateful for the holy ghost to whisper to me that everything will be ok. It is hard going through each day, not happy inside, and having inner turmoil, but the Holy Ghost is there for us.

Rawlings Family said...

Vent away my friend. If you just keep it inside then you will definetly have a harder time. There are always things we could do better. Just acknowledge that and try not to think too horrible of yourself, because you are wonderful!

Darci and Ryan said...

Sweet Brandy,
It is so hard to understand why we go through the things that we do, especially during the really rough times. We all get discouraged and frustrated at times though and it is perfectly normal to question and ponder. Ultimatley I think that this too makes us stronger in the end. Hang in there--you are amazing. Love ya!

Adam and Kym said...

My heart goes out to you Brandy. Know that I think of you often and hope that things will turn around for you. Know that I love you and can't wait to see you!!!

The Bourne Family said...

Thank you for being so honest. I think that some people going through trials want to put up a good front and make sure that others know they are doing okay and that "all is well". It's refreshing to hear what you know and to hear how you struggle, because in some degree or another, we struggle with something. I pray that your babies will come to you soon. They will definitely be given parents who love them!

Melinda said...

I understand completely about needing to vent. I visit teach a sweet sister who actually has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and she struggles with wanting to get married. She has a friend with the same disability who has been able to get married, so she wonders why she can't. She's a bit older, I would say 40s-ish, and it seems that she really benefits just from getting that frustration out each month when we visit. Some people say venting doesn't make anything better, but it helps me and I've see it help so many other people that I find it therapeutic in mild doses.

James, Stephanie & Kayley said...

Brandy, you may not remember me very well, but I remember you. I have lurked on your blog for a few months and love to keep up with what you are up to. You know that my hubby and I have struggled with infertility for 6 years now. I promise you Brandy...It DOES get easier... it does.
Please contact me sometime. I would love to hear from you.
Love, Stephanie
(an old friend from Denver)
fannyloo@msn.com
jamesstephaniekayley.blogspot.com

Adam and Kym said...

I really miss hearing from you. Give me a call sometime. I will try to send you a text too. Love ya!

The VIPs said...

hey- just ran into your blog from Rhonda Hill's page and read about your infertility problems. My husband and I have been dealing with that for three years now. No one understands it who hasn't gone through it themselves. It's awful and our church is so family oriented, which is great, but makes it so hard when you can't participate. We've adopted a little girl now and that's been such an answer to prayers but infertilty is still something we deal with and will probably deal with forever. Just wanted to say that I feel your pain- if you ever start thinking about adoption and have any questions I'd be glad to help.

Becky Vipperman