This is my favorite time of year! I love to watch the leaves outside change into brilliant yellows, vibrant reds, and charismatic oranges. Now that most of the colors are gone, Doogie and I love to crunch through what is left of the faded browns and muted yellows on our morning walks. We wake up early when most of the world is still asleep (or we wait long enough until the world is at work) and we walk. I am not sure what he is thinking. I can guess it is "I like the smell of this tree. Need to mark this spot. I wonder if I will get anything different for breakfast this morning." But this has really been an ideal opportunity for me to attempt to organize some thoughts that have been scrolling through my head for quite sometime.
I am not searching for sympathy, just some peace of mind really. I feel like a total schizophrenic inside my own mind: There is a struggle, a battle, a war raging inside of me. I am not sure at this point in the battle who will prevail. There is a huge part of me that wants to be a good, Latter-day Saint woman. I want to read my scriptures, go to the Temple, pray unto God knowing He cares about me specifically. I want to KNOW, not just believe, that He truly has a plan for me and the reason I am struggling now is for a greater purpose. That I will look back in a few years and see why I had to go through this awful, horrible, painful battle of infertility. And then there is the evil me: The part of me that is so angry, so bitter, so upset, so hurt that I just want to stay that way because at least I know I am feeling something, anything! This seems like such an irrational battle because I KNOW all of the Sunday School answers. I KNOW that what I teach my beautiful little Sunbeams about every week is NOT a lie! I know that I feel the way I do because I have shut myself off. I know He is standing at the door knocking and all I need do is open it. I KNOW all of those things. I get it. I just don't know how.
I have been doing a lot of reading of conference talks from people who have a personal relationship with Heavenly Father. And I have felt some comfort from that. But one that really hit home was a conversation I had with a wonderful woman in my ward on Sunday. She is in the process of adopting through LDSFS and had to do an all day training last week. In one of the sessions, the speaker posed the question, "As adults, are we entitled to children?" She said they were all questioning this. And the answer came back that No. Just because we are adults, and we may even be righteous adults, we are not entitled to children. The only entitlement comes from the children: Children are entitled to parents who love them. So, just another thing I have been pondering on this week.
What I don't want you to get from this crazy post is I am going insane. I have a testimony and I know certain things to be true. I think we all struggle. Some struggle because they have so many kids they don't know what to do. I am not discounting that at all. I think this was more of a way for me just to vent some feelings.