You are the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and I often go to sleep at night looking at your sweet face or watching videos of you on Daddy's phone. I often dream about you while I sleep as well. You are my everything and I am so grateful for you!
I have been having a lot of struggles lately surrounding you. No, it probably quite isn't what many people think of when I say struggle. See, you have a really hard time going to bed. Please know, I blame this entirely on myself Bug. From the time you came home, Mommy nursed you and then rocked you to sleep. I have always had the same routine of a story and prayer and bed. You just want to be rocked. I am struggling because I have received advice from friends about ways I can put you down and get you to stay in your bed. I have prayed about these techniques. I have even tried one of them. Here lies the problem: I go in telling myself I am going to be strong. I will put you back in your bed every single time you get out of bed. But when you cry and reach out and say in your sweetest tones, "Mama" my heart breaks into a million tiny pieces. I think some people would call me weak. I am sure some would tell me to grow a back bone. Already several have told me I am doing you no good by coming to your aid and rescue every time you want or need me.
But what they don't know is I need you to. When you are holding out your arms saying, "Mama" I am screaming and crying inside saying, "Steven." My arms PHYSICALLY ache for you, to hold you. My heart inside my chest literally hurts because I want to hold you. My nose even gets a whiff of you and I want to smell you. You are my baby. You will always be my baby. You have the rest of your life to grow up, sleep in bed by yourself, put yourself to sleep. I want to hold you so badly! I think I have such a physical response because I waited, dreamed, fantasized about you for nearly 6 years before you came into my life. I often wonder if you will be it. Will I be afforded the opportunity to have another little baby in my arms?
I love you so much it hurts! You make me so happy! Thank you for choosing me to be your Mama! Thank you for seeing strength in me where I feel weak. Thank you for your patience, your love despite my imperfections. I pray many MANY times during the day that I can be worthy of your huge spirit that is locked inside your tiny body. I love you Bug!