Sunday, April 8, 2012

A letter to my boy about Night time

Dearest Son,
You are the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and I often go to sleep at night looking at your sweet face or watching videos of you on Daddy's phone.  I often dream about you while I sleep as well.  You are my everything and I am so grateful for you!

I have been having a lot of struggles lately surrounding you.  No, it probably quite isn't what many people think of when I say struggle.  See, you have a really hard time going to bed.  Please know, I blame this entirely on myself Bug.  From the time you came home, Mommy nursed you and then rocked you to sleep.  I have always had the same routine of a story and prayer and bed.  You just want to be rocked.  I am struggling because I have received advice from friends about ways I can put you down and get you to stay in your bed.  I have prayed about these techniques.  I have even tried one of them.  Here lies the problem:  I go in telling myself I am going to be strong.  I will put you back in your bed every single time you get out of bed.  But when you cry and reach out and say in your sweetest tones, "Mama" my heart breaks into a million tiny pieces.  I think some people would call me weak.  I am sure some would tell me to grow a back bone.  Already several have told me I am doing you no good by coming to your aid and rescue every time you want or need me. 

But what they don't know is I need you to.  When you are holding out your arms saying, "Mama" I am screaming and crying inside saying, "Steven."  My arms PHYSICALLY ache for you, to hold you.  My heart inside my chest literally hurts because I want to hold you.  My nose even gets a whiff of you and I want to smell you.  You are my baby.  You will always be my baby.  You have the rest of your life to grow up, sleep in bed by yourself, put yourself to sleep.  I want to hold you so badly!  I think I have such a physical response because I waited, dreamed, fantasized about you for nearly 6 years before you came into my life.  I often wonder if you will be it.  Will I be afforded the opportunity to have another little baby in my arms? 

I love you so much it hurts!  You make me so happy!  Thank you for choosing me to be your Mama!  Thank you for seeing strength in me where I feel weak.  Thank you for your patience, your love despite my imperfections.  I pray many MANY times during the day that I can be worthy of your huge spirit that is locked inside your tiny body.  I love you Bug! 


The Figgins said...

Elijah has been resisting staying in bed for naps and I find that if I hold him for 20-30 minutes until he is dead asleep that he doesn't cry for me once in bed (he's still in a crib). There's nothing wrong with rocking your baby. When you are ready to be done/need to be done because another one is coming, you will be ready to do what you need to do. Don't hurry it along if your heart isn't ready. Heavenly Father will make your heart ready when it needs to be.

Kym said...

I totally agree with the previous comment. Don't rush your baby to grow up - especially if you and he are not ready. Hold your son close while he still wants to be rocked and snuggled and needs his mom. Those times are over too quickly. Other people may have their own opinions but only you know what is right for you and your son.
My son is still in his crib and he is a year older than Steven. People may not agree with my decision but it is what is right for us right now. When I feel that he is ready (and only Adam and I get to decide) he will move to a big boy bed. For now my son sleeps wonderfully at night and still takes naps (which he really needs at this point.) Being a parent means that you get to decide how to raise your child. Dr's, friends and relatives don't get a say!

Melinda said...

One time a friend said to me "You're SUPPOSED to do whatever keeps you sane. If you are comfortable with rocking him to sleep each night, do it. I can't remember when we transitioned Samantha, but I used to rock her to sleep. She had a couple times after she was in a toddler bed (she learned how to climb out of her crib I want to say around 18 months, and for safety reasons we switched to the toddler bed the following day) when she would come out in the middle of the night thinking it was time to play and we had to put her back in bed, but it's been years since she was rocked to sleep and she goes to sleep just fine by herself now. The only reason to get Steven to go to sleep on his own now is if that is what YOU want right now. Another friend said to me, "How many 20 year olds do you know cry in the middle of the night for their mommies?" Basically saying that nothing lasts forever.