Because I need to...

I have an entire of blog posts I need to do, but today, this is just for me. Today, I need to speak. Today, I need to write. I used to write all of the time. I am a published poet and I have won awards for some stories (okay, so that was all before high school, but still, I can say those things).

First of all, to say I am grateful for my little Bug would be an understatement. I absolutely LOVE being his mom! I thank my Heavenly Father about a hundred times a day for this little spirit in my life. I always ask, "What did I do so right to deserve this beautiful, perfect spirit in my life?" And I can never come up with an answer. I feel so complete, so happy, so warm and yummy inside with him around. Being gone for a few hours at night to work just feels like too much. It is time he is growing without me. He is growing so fast. Everyday is truly a new adventure with him. He watches everything we do and tries to do it too. Today he pulled my curling iron down from the cupboard in the bathroom and pretended to curl his little blonde locks in the back. What a smart boy! He folds his arms and has started bowing his head when we pray. He brings me books during the day and plops his beautiful little self on my lap and lets me read to him. (I have learned to read very fast because he wants to turn the pages. Usually, I shorten the story to just a couple of words each page). I am so grateful for this little boy.

This summer has been an interesting one, to say the least. My dear friend and her family moved here (YEAH!!!!) so she could go to massage school. I have been watching her two little girls. And then came cousin Emmett (7 months younger than Steven). Needless to say, it has been kind of a hectic summer for me. I don't get to play and cuddle and hold Steven like I really planned on doing all Summer, but I hope he has fun. I hope he won't resent me later in life. :)

I know I have said it before, but I really don't like being a grown up sometimes. I don't life having these grown up "experiences!" Our computer died about a month ago, so Matt brings his work laptop home for me and I do what I need to do late in the night or sometimes on weekends when a moment is afforded to me. Then, Matt's car died. We called a tow truck (I guess that is the benefit of insurance) and he is still working on fixing it after many parts and things later. Here is to hoping it is up and running soon. And now, not to be outdone, our furnace went out. $1,000 later we now have heat. (I guess it was better to find this out BEFORE it got super cold outside!) I sometimes feel like I am having an out of body experience as an adult, like I am watching myself doing these "grown up things." Some part of me feels like I should still be back in high school or college and playing my horn and hangin with my friends. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my baby and my life, but it just feels strange sometimes. I wish I could write a letter to myself when I was 16-19 and tell her not to stress, not to worry, not to let those little things pull her down. I would tell her to enjoy life because in reality, those were some pretty amazing times and my chemicals were so mixed up, I spent a lot of time being depressed and sorrowful.

I want to be I need to be better. I am walking in the mornings and trying to lose some of this extra poundage. I need to find a way to be better about scripture study and journal writing (and blogging) and house cleaning. I gotta change some things. We can get through this together. So grateful for our forever family. So thankful for the Temple, the Gospel, living in the United States, massage....the list could go on and on.