Mother's Day 2012

I have done a lot of thinking and pondering about Mother's day over the last several years.  There were many Sundays I went to church without a baby in my arms and tried to act happy about this day.  There were many, many tears shed, many days when my heart was broken, my arms ached to hold a baby, to be a mother.  I wish I could speak to my younger self with the knowledge I now have and tell her a few things.

Listen self, holding an infant in your arms doesn't necessarily makes you a mother.  Loving others makes you a mother.  I was an Aunt to 2 nieces and a nephew before I was a mom, and I tried my darndest to be the best Aunt I could be.  I served in primary and I loved those children desperately and did my best to teach them that they have a Heavenly Father who loves them.  I was a wife, daughter, grand-daughter, aunt, sister....all of those titles helped prepare me. 

And now, I have the opportunity to be a different kind of mother.  I gave birth to my sweet little boy nearly 2 years ago.  Two mother's days ago I was beyond huge and pregnant with my sweet angel baby.  I remember Matt gave me a corsage that to this day still hangs in my kitchen.  He was so excited to be a daddy.  I was even more excited to see my baby, the baby I had dreamed about for years and years prior. 

Fast forward...2012.  My sweet little boy sat down with his Daddy this morning and made me a cute little paper card.  Matt fixed me breakfast.  Steven made the cutest little card for me in nursery (with his hand-prints all over it because that is his favorite thing to do anytime he gets a crayon, pen or any writing utensil in his hand.  Luckily, he has amazing nursery leaders who indulge his fascination with tracing his hands).  Steven is the love of my life.  I am grateful he can calls me "Mama." 

I hope and pray everyday that I can be worthy of him.  I hope that he will always be proud and happy to call me his Mama.  I love you Steven, so dearly.  You will never know the tears that were shed before you arrived, or the tears shed after.  You are my Bug.  You bring me so much light.  Thanks for helping me make me a Mommy!  

Dearest Bug,
My heart is so full today!  There is nothing particularly special about this day.  It doesn't mark any anniversaries, birthdays or anything amazingly special.  But it is a day I felt the amazingly huge spirit you carry inside your tiny little body.

Mommy has been struggling a lot with emotions and worries.  Daddy has been out of a job for 2 months and my job ends in just a couple of weeks.  Today, I just lost it.  I went in on my bed and started sobbing.  Your sweet little chubby feet climbed up right next to me.  You rubbed your sweet little hand up and down my back.  You kept saying, "Mama.  Mama."  until I looked up at you.  When I did, you looked at me, "Mama."  Oh, you always udder my name so sweetly.  Then you grabbed my head and put it into your lap and you held me.  Then tiny little baby I have held on so many occasions held me, his mother, in his lap.  Oh Steven, you don't even know what good you do for your Mama.  Thank you!  As you held me, I cried out to our loving Heavenly Father, "What good have I done to deserve such a sweet, pure, noble, valiant spirit in my life?"  I am eternally grateful to have you son!  You save me time and time again.  Thank you for holding me.

Later, after making brownies together, you let me hold you and rock you to sleep.  I feel it is so full circle.  Oh Steven, I love you more than you will ever know!  Thank you!  I love you Bug Bug!

Love,
Your Mama

Random cute pics of my boy!!

A visit from Grams and Gramps Great

Grams and Gramps Great came to visit from Idaho.  Steven had come down with a really awful flu and was still on the mend for the first couple of days they were here visitng.  They actually both ended up getting very sick as well.  We didn't get to do as much as we wanted to do, but we had fun with the time we had.  

Steven helped with his little shovel digging out some of our shrubs.

He just started doing this funny pose, and he does it all. of. the. time.

We went shopping one day and Steven begged for this train.  Of course, he only has to give a hug and smile and seems to get whatever he wants.  He was smiling for Grams Great with his new John Deere hat and train. 

Playing trains with Grams on the floor.

Here are your toes!!!

Posing with Grandma Great!

Playing trucks is his favorite thing!!

Gramps got sick so instead of going out to dinner, we went to McDonalds.  Steven wasn't very brave to go play on the toys.  He just played in this one area. 

Easter Part II

We went to Bass Pro Shop to visit the Easter Bunny.  We took standing in line while the boys went to play.  Steven loves to ride the 4 wheelers!

Bringing cousing Emmett along for the ride.





 

Easter Morning....that crazy bunny came. 

We set a trap for the Easter Bunny, with carrots and all. 

Easter Part I

Easter 2012

We had a lot of fun the week of Easter.  We started out the week by dying eggs.  Steven had a lot of fun, and he loved playing with his friends Emmy and Lydia.

Steven just wanted to put his spoon in all of the cups.  At the end, he ended up with almost as much egg dye on him as the eggs.

Lydia and Emmy had fun too!

While we were dying eggs there was a knock on the door.  When I opened it, there was a sign on our door saying we had been egged.  The kids had a blast finding the eggs.  We did egg hunts several other times during the week.

Our community and the church down the road put on an Easter Egg hunt.  The kids had a blast!  After, we played on the toys. 

Look at my little egg hunter!!

They were seperated by ages and Steven was with the little guys.  He found a hole in the fence and escaped to find his friends.

SMILE!

Steven's Grandma-Great sent a little package for Steven.  Inside was a John Deere tractor, another little truck and a trailer.

You can tell he absolutely loves them!!!



A letter to my boy about Night time

Dearest Son,
You are the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and I often go to sleep at night looking at your sweet face or watching videos of you on Daddy's phone.  I often dream about you while I sleep as well.  You are my everything and I am so grateful for you!

I have been having a lot of struggles lately surrounding you.  No, it probably quite isn't what many people think of when I say struggle.  See, you have a really hard time going to bed.  Please know, I blame this entirely on myself Bug.  From the time you came home, Mommy nursed you and then rocked you to sleep.  I have always had the same routine of a story and prayer and bed.  You just want to be rocked.  I am struggling because I have received advice from friends about ways I can put you down and get you to stay in your bed.  I have prayed about these techniques.  I have even tried one of them.  Here lies the problem:  I go in telling myself I am going to be strong.  I will put you back in your bed every single time you get out of bed.  But when you cry and reach out and say in your sweetest tones, "Mama" my heart breaks into a million tiny pieces.  I think some people would call me weak.  I am sure some would tell me to grow a back bone.  Already several have told me I am doing you no good by coming to your aid and rescue every time you want or need me. 

But what they don't know is I need you to.  When you are holding out your arms saying, "Mama" I am screaming and crying inside saying, "Steven."  My arms PHYSICALLY ache for you, to hold you.  My heart inside my chest literally hurts because I want to hold you.  My nose even gets a whiff of you and I want to smell you.  You are my baby.  You will always be my baby.  You have the rest of your life to grow up, sleep in bed by yourself, put yourself to sleep.  I want to hold you so badly!  I think I have such a physical response because I waited, dreamed, fantasized about you for nearly 6 years before you came into my life.  I often wonder if you will be it.  Will I be afforded the opportunity to have another little baby in my arms? 

I love you so much it hurts!  You make me so happy!  Thank you for choosing me to be your Mama!  Thank you for seeing strength in me where I feel weak.  Thank you for your patience, your love despite my imperfections.  I pray many MANY times during the day that I can be worthy of your huge spirit that is locked inside your tiny body.  I love you Bug!