Gone Too Soon

On July 17, a family in our ward lost their sweet little 2 yr old boy to an accidental, tragic shooting incident.  My heart broke, and is still breaking, for the family for the loss of their little boy.  When I heard about it, I was so busy with family in town I guess I didn't really think much about it, but upon telling Matt, the full impact of what I said hit me.  My son is only 8 months younger than he was and now his parents are left with a huge hole in their lives.  Matt was scheduled to go down to his parents home that evening to help give a blessing, but he came home first.  My big husband rushed through the door and picked up our son.  He hugged him and kissed him...I saw a tear stream down his face.  They played basketball together and I took a mental picture of the two of them enjoying time together. 

Matt went down to Parker, but his mom called me after he left to tell me a few things.  She said Matt was very teary all evening, as I had previously experienced at home.  She relayed that Matt had told her he didn't know what he would do if he lost Steven, and he was worried that if something happened to Steven, he would lose me too.  I think that is something I am still processing....

I love Steven whole-heartedly.  He is a miracle, an answer to so many years of praying.  He is my joy, my light.  I thank my Heavenly Father for him several times a day.  I cannot get over how much I love him.  Sometimes I think my heart is going to burst wide open with the love I feel for him.  I ask him several times a day if I can hug him or kiss him.  I still rock him to sleep every chance I get.  I can't believe I have the opportunity to be his mother.  I tear up when I think about the possibility of not having him around.  I cringe, I get sick physically and spiritually....I pray I never have to go through that, as I don't feel I am strong enough to make it to the other side.  But two things are for certain:
1-I live every single day, trying to embrace every single moment I have with my son.  I want him to know in every moment how much I love him, how much his dad loves him, and how much his Heavenly Father and elder brother, Jesus Christ, love him.
2-I am grateful for the Temple and the fact that we get to be together forever.  That knowledge has absolutely spoke peace to my heart over the past weeks, in a way I don't think it has before. 

Steven, Mommy loves you so much!!  Please, don't ever forget that.  I am so grateful Heavenly Father has given me the distinct opportunity to be your Mama.  I am doing everything I can everyday to live worthy of you.  I fall short many times, but I hope you can forgive me.  I love you dearly son!